The time has gotten away from me in the last few weeks and I feel the need to post a blog. The title of this blog is “A Traveling Idiot”. The last 8 weeks have been hectic with travel, a couple of weekend golf events, and the normal activities of my rather ordinary life.
In case you have forgotten, it is time to remind you of a few basic facts.
1. My job requires me to travel.
2. I like to make fun of myself.
3. Once you get behind the curtain there is really not much there.
4. I am an idiot.
Please read, enjoy, and then decide for yourself.
August 11th , 2010 - Trip to Monterrey Mexico. I leave Atlanta carrying a bag of metal tools, many which look like they could be used as examining equipment from a proctologists office. Mexican customs does not like me or my bag of tools. It cost me $60 worth of bribes to a couple of “officials” to keep things moving through the airport. Once inside Mexico my local contact wants to take me to lunch. I let him order. How did I know that cabra meant goat in Spanish.
August 12th, 2010 – Monterrey Mexico. My Hotel was the Marriott Courtyard. I bought some bottled water and tried to make coffee in my room. The coffee maker malfunctioned while I was in the shower. I can’t be expected to read the instructions in Spanish, can I? It was not my fault. The damage was extensive. The maids and manager were now involved. I was no longer allowed to have a coffee maker in my room.
August 17th, 2010 – Ft. Lauderdale, FL. On the flight down I was busted by the flight attendant. We were about to take off. I was cited for a triple violation. My seat back was not in its upright and locked position, may tray table was down, and my bag was not properly stowed under the seat in front of me. A few minutes later I referred to the flight attendant as a “sky waitress”. I never got my bag of peanuts.
August 18th, 2010 – Miami, FL. I went out to dinner with some customers in South Beach. We stumbled upon a bar where a Rod Stewart impersonator was performing. I asked him if where the rest of the Rolling Stones were? The bouncer politely escorted me away from the stage. I am still looking for the rest of the Stones.
August 23rd, 2010 – Minneapolis, MN – I ate dinner at a sushi place in the Mall of America. It was called Tiger Sushi. The meat was tough and tasted a little gamey. I knew something was wrong. I thought tigers were an endangered species. I need some help here.
August 24th, 2010 – Minneapolis, MN Corporate Office. We played league softball with the Company team after work. I was warned by the umpire for drinking beer in the dugout during the game. How was I to know that players could only drink beer in stands during the game, not in the dugout. Silly local rules.
August 25th, 2010 – Minneapolis, MN. I returned the rental car to the airport. The attendant accused me of causing a scratch on the left front fender of the car. I blamed it on one of my co-workers who I had borrowed the car from the day before. We got him on the phone. He denied knowing me. I was escorted to the manager’s office for further processing. The charges were: driving a car I did not rent, attempting to blame an innocent party, and declining the extra insurance. I am no longer supposed to rent cars from Avis. I guess my name is now on “some list”.
September 2nd, 2010 – Dallas, TX. I attempted to do the “green” thing and rent a Toyota Prius. I made it to my first destination and then could not get the car to start. A Prius does not start like a normal car. So, there I am sitting in my car in 95 degree heat. I searched for the owner’s manual. None found. I called Hertz reservations, no help. I called the Hertz emergency number. They sent another car and a driver to get me. The driver happened to be the manager. The car promptly started for him. I guess there is some odd sequence of foot on the brake, push the button, put car in gear, wait, rinse and repeat to make the thing run. The manager was not happy. He asked me if I had ever had my name put on a “rental car list”.
September 15th, 2010 – Buffalo, NY. I flew to Buffalo and decided to drive the hour and a half to get to Toronto, Canada. The fares are much cheaper if you do it that way. I now rent from National Rental Car. I got my rental car and headed for the border. The Canadian crossing guard asked me if I had anything “declare”. I told him that I was an idiot. He did not think that was funny and set me aside for further processing.
October 10th, 2010 – Orlando, FL. I picked up my work associates in the rental car. They let me drive. Orlando has a lot of toll roads. I have a habit of failing to read road signs and therefore always seem to be in the wrong lane. I was in the wrong lane for the toll booth 3 times on the way from the airport. That meant that I paid no tolls. I guess I will find out if those little cameras really work.
October 11th, 2011 – Orlando, FL. I was in Orlando to attend the Hilton Hotel Franchisee TradeShow. These folks own hotels. The vast majority of them are from India and have the last name of Patel. There were lots of them with names like, Joe, Mitch, Sam, Dave, and the like. I asked one of them why everyone was named Patel. He said that the Patel’s in India were the keeper’s of property and royal goods. I thought he was making that up. I checked it out. He was right.
November 1st, 2010 – Philadelphia, PA. I ran in to Debra, a High School Classmate of mine, on the flight to Philadelphia. She was also headed to downtown Philadelphia so we shared the cab ride. We caught up on old friends and promised to stay in touch on facebook. She paid for the cab. I discretely got an extra copy of the receipt for my expenses.
November 3rd, 2010 – Atlanta, GA. I attended the Southeast Biomass Trade Show. The smell was not nearly as bad as I expected. The show was centered on the use of wood or vegetation that can be burned as a source of fuel as an alternative to coal or oil. I was relieved and will live to blog another day.
