I have a guilty obsession. I am not afraid to admit it although it is probably not what you think. Most people have a guilty obsession that centers on food , alcohol, or even cigarettes. My daughter also has a guilty obsession. Like mine, hers centers on people. Her obsession involves the celebrities in People magazine. My obsession also centers on people, but they are the people in and on the flights that connect through our nation’s airports. Sometimes my obsession goes a little farther than just looking or watching. At times I feel compelled to talk to these people. So, I do.
Over the last month I have spent a lot of time obsessing in airports and on airplanes. Below are just a few of my conversations and observations.
March 10th, 2011. I am in the Boston airport waiting for my flight to Atlanta. I see a woman wearing a shirt that asks a very interesting question. In very large print it says, “Ask Me About Roller Derby”. Little did she know I am/was a big fan of roller derby. Especially women’s roller derby. When I was a kid I used to watch roller derby every Saturday afternoon on WTCG Channel 17 in Atlanta. There I was, in the Boston airport, standing next to a real live person who had to know something about roller derby. I had no choice, I had to ask. This girl actually owned a roller derby league in Portland, OR. She was a roller derby star, she didn’t like the way the team was being run, and decided to start her own league. You could say she was in a league of her own. Her league is called “ Rose City Roller Derby”. Check it out at www.rosecityrollers.com. I asked her all the stupid questions, like was it fake, did it hurt when you fell, and who made up the inane scoring system. Once I recovered from the elbow to the ribs I realized that she had a strategic plan for her sport. She was in Boston on business and was seeking to partner with WWE on a few events. Roller Derby and professional wrestling? I think we could have a winner. You heard it here first.
March 14th, 2011. I am on a flight to Indianapolis in first class and am seated next to a guy that I believe has to be a celebrity. I convince myself that it is Eminem. He is plump, almost round, totally green, and has a big “M” on his chest. I wonder if he has the other “M” on his back? I wish that he would lean forward. Seriously, I think the guy is Eminem. He is wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood pulled over his head. He has on large RayBan mirrored sunglasses and was listening to Rap music on his Doctor Dre Monster Beat Headphones. I stare without being obvious. For an hour and a half I am humming that song, Lose Yourself, from the movie Eight Mile in preparation. We finally land and Eminem emerges from beneath the hood. He was old and gray headed and looked he had just been released from a mental institution. He was an impersonator. My brush with a real live rapper had ended. My day was now ruined.
March 17th, 2011. I am on a flight from Atlanta to San Antonio. I am seated next to a large woman. She is very large. We are in the exit row with the extra space between the seats and she barely fits. She has to be like 6’4” and must weigh nearly 300 pounds. Knowing that we are about to become close I feel like we need to talk. So we do. She is from the Detroit area. She is perhaps one of the nicest women I have ever met. We have a nice chat about life and the world around us. She is older and has kids that are about my age. She is on her way to visit her younger brother for his 60th birthday party. Both of her brothers were renowned surgeons in the San Antonio area. She also told me about her son the attorney. He lives in New York and was trapped in the subway for 11 hours following 9/11. He represents people in the entertainment industry. I asked her if he worked for anyone famous. In fact he did. His most famous client was none other than Eminem. He was the personal attorney for Eminem. Just in case it might be worth something someday I asked for her autograph. Afterall, she was the mother of the attorney for Eminem. My brush with a real live rapper was alive, again.
Some of my other observations.
A girl on the airplane with the tattoo of a dragon on her stomach.
A guy on a cell phone negotiating a $ 17 million deal to sell property to Walmart.
A Chinese college student studying about modern medical techniques.
A Hispanic looking girl with a harsh New England accent.
Italian and Chinese food on the same airport restaurant menu.
A couple with a box of live Maine lobsters returning to Florida.
Two little girls under the age of six traveling alone on an airplane.
People tasting Diet Vanilla Coke for the first time at an airport sample stand.
People desperately trying anything to get on a flight that is oversold by 10 people.
A couple planning their wedding at an airport gate.
People stuffing bags in overhead bins with no chance of ever closing the bins.
A little old man wearing a clip on bow tie.
I will continue to watch and report.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Fortune Cookie
We recently had family Chinese night. It was great to see the family and catch up on all of their life events. After dinner we embarked on the ancient Chinese tradition of the reading our fortune cookie messages aloud. We added the phrase, “while in bed”, at the beginning and end of each saying. Try it some time, it can spice things up. In our case that alone did not add much humor.
So, I did some research and some creative thinking and came up with a few fortune cookie sayings that you would never see on one of those little pieces of paper. Below are some of my favorites.
1. Help, I am being held prisoner in a Chinese Bakery.
2. You should wear corduroy more often.
3. Oops… Wrong Cookie
4. You are not illiterate.
5. Your dog Sparky, well he is no longer missing.
6. Your hidden talents may not be there at all if you think about it.
7. That was not really chicken.
8. Hard times are behind you, impossible times are ahead.
9. About time I got out of that cookie.
10. Don’t eat any Chinese food today or you will become very sick.
11. An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly.
12. Pick another fortune cookie.
13. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
14. Borrow money from a pessimist, he won’t expect repayment.
15. He who laughs last is laughing at you.
Should I be concerned about the last one? Well, I am not. But I hope you are, laughing at me that is.
So, I did some research and some creative thinking and came up with a few fortune cookie sayings that you would never see on one of those little pieces of paper. Below are some of my favorites.
1. Help, I am being held prisoner in a Chinese Bakery.
2. You should wear corduroy more often.
3. Oops… Wrong Cookie
4. You are not illiterate.
5. Your dog Sparky, well he is no longer missing.
6. Your hidden talents may not be there at all if you think about it.
7. That was not really chicken.
8. Hard times are behind you, impossible times are ahead.
9. About time I got out of that cookie.
10. Don’t eat any Chinese food today or you will become very sick.
11. An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly.
12. Pick another fortune cookie.
13. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
14. Borrow money from a pessimist, he won’t expect repayment.
15. He who laughs last is laughing at you.
Should I be concerned about the last one? Well, I am not. But I hope you are, laughing at me that is.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I Did Not Have To Go Out
The weather forecasters around Atlanta starting predicting snow on Tuesday for a storm that was expected to hit 5 days later on Sunday evening. The TV stations dusted off their storm centers and went in to full blown alarmist panic mode for nearly a week. Schools closed before the first flake fell in classic Atlanta fashion. Stores were sold out of the basics – milk, bread, and toilet paper by early Saturday. To their credit the forecasters got it right. We received about 6 inches of snow at my house on Sunday evening. See the photo below.
By Monday morning the city was a blanket of white. The airways were filled with the doomsayers. Everyone said the same thing. “It is bad”. The roads are “treacherous”. “If you do not have to go out, don’t”. After watching this for a few hours Monday morning, I reached an important decision. I did not have to go out, but I did!
I am not sure exactly why I decided to ignore the advice of the experts. My wife called me an idiot, imagine that, and decided to stay in. Perhaps it was that odd human characteristic of weird curiosity, like looking at a car wreck, or being drawn to the site of destruction.
In previous years I may have attempted this adventure without the proper equipment. I would have gone out without a cold weather survival kit in a vehicle that was not equipped to handle the snow. But, I have matured. I think. Nowadays, I have a Toyota 4 Runner complete with 4 wheel drive, traction control, antilock brakes, and a sunroof for an escape hatch. This was everything I needed to be successful.
I waved goodbye to Lovie and headed out. I live near the bottom of a fairly steep hill. I knew early on that my fate would be determined quickly. Everything went as planned. My truck plowed through the snow like a “snowcat” on the slopes. No slipping, sliding, fishtailing, or skidding. I made my way past scores of closed businesses, a few abandoned cars, and some people out for a walk.
I happened upon only two open businesses. Both of which are necessities in life. First was the gas station, and secondly was the liquor store. Both lots were filled with people that, “did not have to go out”, but did. My decision was validated. There are other people like me after all. A sense of calm fell over me. I was relieved.
I returned home safely with a renewed sense of accomplishment and purpose. After some thought, I came to this conclusion. There was no purpose and I accomplished nothing. What else can I say about my decision during the Great Atlanta Snow Storm of 2011?
By Monday morning the city was a blanket of white. The airways were filled with the doomsayers. Everyone said the same thing. “It is bad”. The roads are “treacherous”. “If you do not have to go out, don’t”. After watching this for a few hours Monday morning, I reached an important decision. I did not have to go out, but I did!
I am not sure exactly why I decided to ignore the advice of the experts. My wife called me an idiot, imagine that, and decided to stay in. Perhaps it was that odd human characteristic of weird curiosity, like looking at a car wreck, or being drawn to the site of destruction.
In previous years I may have attempted this adventure without the proper equipment. I would have gone out without a cold weather survival kit in a vehicle that was not equipped to handle the snow. But, I have matured. I think. Nowadays, I have a Toyota 4 Runner complete with 4 wheel drive, traction control, antilock brakes, and a sunroof for an escape hatch. This was everything I needed to be successful.
I waved goodbye to Lovie and headed out. I live near the bottom of a fairly steep hill. I knew early on that my fate would be determined quickly. Everything went as planned. My truck plowed through the snow like a “snowcat” on the slopes. No slipping, sliding, fishtailing, or skidding. I made my way past scores of closed businesses, a few abandoned cars, and some people out for a walk.
I happened upon only two open businesses. Both of which are necessities in life. First was the gas station, and secondly was the liquor store. Both lots were filled with people that, “did not have to go out”, but did. My decision was validated. There are other people like me after all. A sense of calm fell over me. I was relieved.
I returned home safely with a renewed sense of accomplishment and purpose. After some thought, I came to this conclusion. There was no purpose and I accomplished nothing. What else can I say about my decision during the Great Atlanta Snow Storm of 2011?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
My Grandmother Drank Beer
I was in a bar recently and noticed a guy ordering a beer. It was not an ordinary beer. The beer he ordered triggered a powerful memory. It reminded me of my grandmother. When I was a kid my grandmother (my mother’s mother) lived with us. My mother was an only child and my grandfather passed away in his early fifties. She needed a place to stay and it made sense for her to move in.
My grandmother grew up in a small town in Mississippi. She lived through the world wars and the depression. She had many life experiences. I now know that what she really had was wisdom. She taught me a lot of things. Things like how to save and manage money, the value of hard work, the importance of religion and morality, and most importantly how to eat good southern food. She had a way of knowing when to scold you but also knowing when to allow you to “live a little”. She passed away at the age of 87 in 1998. I miss her and think about her influence in my life often.
One thing I remember about my grandmother was that she drank beer. It was the same kind of beer the guy ordered a few weeks ago. She did not always drink beer, but when she did she drank PBR. Pabst Blue Ribbon. She drank Pabst Blue Ribbon from a can. These cans were found in our refrigerator, hidden in the back, on one of the lower shelves. These were not just any cans, however. My grandmother drank “tall boys”, the 16 “ouncers”. These were the old style beer cans. They were made from tin and had the pop top throw away pull tabs. The opening on the can was not round but had kind of a tear drop shape. The logo below was proudly displayed on every one of them.
Pabst Blue Ribbon is actually a great beer. It 1893, it won the award for the best beer at the Chicago World’s Fair. It was a “blue ribbon. In 2006, at the Great American Beer Festival, it won the Gold Medal for American Style Lager Beers. When I was about 12 or so she gave me a sip of her Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. I have drank some beer since but I can’t recall ever actually drinking a PBR. That is about to change.
My grandmother was born on January 5th, 1911. In about 2 weeks, on January 5th, 2011, she would have been 100 years old. I will use the occasion to drink PBR from a tall boy can in her honor. If you think about it, do the same. Or better yet, take a moment to recall a memory about your grandmother. Like mine, I bet she was “pretty cool”.
My grandmother grew up in a small town in Mississippi. She lived through the world wars and the depression. She had many life experiences. I now know that what she really had was wisdom. She taught me a lot of things. Things like how to save and manage money, the value of hard work, the importance of religion and morality, and most importantly how to eat good southern food. She had a way of knowing when to scold you but also knowing when to allow you to “live a little”. She passed away at the age of 87 in 1998. I miss her and think about her influence in my life often.
One thing I remember about my grandmother was that she drank beer. It was the same kind of beer the guy ordered a few weeks ago. She did not always drink beer, but when she did she drank PBR. Pabst Blue Ribbon. She drank Pabst Blue Ribbon from a can. These cans were found in our refrigerator, hidden in the back, on one of the lower shelves. These were not just any cans, however. My grandmother drank “tall boys”, the 16 “ouncers”. These were the old style beer cans. They were made from tin and had the pop top throw away pull tabs. The opening on the can was not round but had kind of a tear drop shape. The logo below was proudly displayed on every one of them.
Pabst Blue Ribbon is actually a great beer. It 1893, it won the award for the best beer at the Chicago World’s Fair. It was a “blue ribbon. In 2006, at the Great American Beer Festival, it won the Gold Medal for American Style Lager Beers. When I was about 12 or so she gave me a sip of her Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. I have drank some beer since but I can’t recall ever actually drinking a PBR. That is about to change.
My grandmother was born on January 5th, 1911. In about 2 weeks, on January 5th, 2011, she would have been 100 years old. I will use the occasion to drink PBR from a tall boy can in her honor. If you think about it, do the same. Or better yet, take a moment to recall a memory about your grandmother. Like mine, I bet she was “pretty cool”.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
A Traveling Idiot
The time has gotten away from me in the last few weeks and I feel the need to post a blog. The title of this blog is “A Traveling Idiot”. The last 8 weeks have been hectic with travel, a couple of weekend golf events, and the normal activities of my rather ordinary life.
In case you have forgotten, it is time to remind you of a few basic facts.
1. My job requires me to travel.
2. I like to make fun of myself.
3. Once you get behind the curtain there is really not much there.
4. I am an idiot.
Please read, enjoy, and then decide for yourself.
August 11th , 2010 - Trip to Monterrey Mexico. I leave Atlanta carrying a bag of metal tools, many which look like they could be used as examining equipment from a proctologists office. Mexican customs does not like me or my bag of tools. It cost me $60 worth of bribes to a couple of “officials” to keep things moving through the airport. Once inside Mexico my local contact wants to take me to lunch. I let him order. How did I know that cabra meant goat in Spanish.
August 12th, 2010 – Monterrey Mexico. My Hotel was the Marriott Courtyard. I bought some bottled water and tried to make coffee in my room. The coffee maker malfunctioned while I was in the shower. I can’t be expected to read the instructions in Spanish, can I? It was not my fault. The damage was extensive. The maids and manager were now involved. I was no longer allowed to have a coffee maker in my room.
August 17th, 2010 – Ft. Lauderdale, FL. On the flight down I was busted by the flight attendant. We were about to take off. I was cited for a triple violation. My seat back was not in its upright and locked position, may tray table was down, and my bag was not properly stowed under the seat in front of me. A few minutes later I referred to the flight attendant as a “sky waitress”. I never got my bag of peanuts.
August 18th, 2010 – Miami, FL. I went out to dinner with some customers in South Beach. We stumbled upon a bar where a Rod Stewart impersonator was performing. I asked him if where the rest of the Rolling Stones were? The bouncer politely escorted me away from the stage. I am still looking for the rest of the Stones.
August 23rd, 2010 – Minneapolis, MN – I ate dinner at a sushi place in the Mall of America. It was called Tiger Sushi. The meat was tough and tasted a little gamey. I knew something was wrong. I thought tigers were an endangered species. I need some help here.
August 24th, 2010 – Minneapolis, MN Corporate Office. We played league softball with the Company team after work. I was warned by the umpire for drinking beer in the dugout during the game. How was I to know that players could only drink beer in stands during the game, not in the dugout. Silly local rules.
August 25th, 2010 – Minneapolis, MN. I returned the rental car to the airport. The attendant accused me of causing a scratch on the left front fender of the car. I blamed it on one of my co-workers who I had borrowed the car from the day before. We got him on the phone. He denied knowing me. I was escorted to the manager’s office for further processing. The charges were: driving a car I did not rent, attempting to blame an innocent party, and declining the extra insurance. I am no longer supposed to rent cars from Avis. I guess my name is now on “some list”.
September 2nd, 2010 – Dallas, TX. I attempted to do the “green” thing and rent a Toyota Prius. I made it to my first destination and then could not get the car to start. A Prius does not start like a normal car. So, there I am sitting in my car in 95 degree heat. I searched for the owner’s manual. None found. I called Hertz reservations, no help. I called the Hertz emergency number. They sent another car and a driver to get me. The driver happened to be the manager. The car promptly started for him. I guess there is some odd sequence of foot on the brake, push the button, put car in gear, wait, rinse and repeat to make the thing run. The manager was not happy. He asked me if I had ever had my name put on a “rental car list”.
September 15th, 2010 – Buffalo, NY. I flew to Buffalo and decided to drive the hour and a half to get to Toronto, Canada. The fares are much cheaper if you do it that way. I now rent from National Rental Car. I got my rental car and headed for the border. The Canadian crossing guard asked me if I had anything “declare”. I told him that I was an idiot. He did not think that was funny and set me aside for further processing.
October 10th, 2010 – Orlando, FL. I picked up my work associates in the rental car. They let me drive. Orlando has a lot of toll roads. I have a habit of failing to read road signs and therefore always seem to be in the wrong lane. I was in the wrong lane for the toll booth 3 times on the way from the airport. That meant that I paid no tolls. I guess I will find out if those little cameras really work.
October 11th, 2011 – Orlando, FL. I was in Orlando to attend the Hilton Hotel Franchisee TradeShow. These folks own hotels. The vast majority of them are from India and have the last name of Patel. There were lots of them with names like, Joe, Mitch, Sam, Dave, and the like. I asked one of them why everyone was named Patel. He said that the Patel’s in India were the keeper’s of property and royal goods. I thought he was making that up. I checked it out. He was right.
November 1st, 2010 – Philadelphia, PA. I ran in to Debra, a High School Classmate of mine, on the flight to Philadelphia. She was also headed to downtown Philadelphia so we shared the cab ride. We caught up on old friends and promised to stay in touch on facebook. She paid for the cab. I discretely got an extra copy of the receipt for my expenses.
November 3rd, 2010 – Atlanta, GA. I attended the Southeast Biomass Trade Show. The smell was not nearly as bad as I expected. The show was centered on the use of wood or vegetation that can be burned as a source of fuel as an alternative to coal or oil. I was relieved and will live to blog another day.
In case you have forgotten, it is time to remind you of a few basic facts.
1. My job requires me to travel.
2. I like to make fun of myself.
3. Once you get behind the curtain there is really not much there.
4. I am an idiot.
Please read, enjoy, and then decide for yourself.
August 11th , 2010 - Trip to Monterrey Mexico. I leave Atlanta carrying a bag of metal tools, many which look like they could be used as examining equipment from a proctologists office. Mexican customs does not like me or my bag of tools. It cost me $60 worth of bribes to a couple of “officials” to keep things moving through the airport. Once inside Mexico my local contact wants to take me to lunch. I let him order. How did I know that cabra meant goat in Spanish.
August 12th, 2010 – Monterrey Mexico. My Hotel was the Marriott Courtyard. I bought some bottled water and tried to make coffee in my room. The coffee maker malfunctioned while I was in the shower. I can’t be expected to read the instructions in Spanish, can I? It was not my fault. The damage was extensive. The maids and manager were now involved. I was no longer allowed to have a coffee maker in my room.
August 17th, 2010 – Ft. Lauderdale, FL. On the flight down I was busted by the flight attendant. We were about to take off. I was cited for a triple violation. My seat back was not in its upright and locked position, may tray table was down, and my bag was not properly stowed under the seat in front of me. A few minutes later I referred to the flight attendant as a “sky waitress”. I never got my bag of peanuts.
August 18th, 2010 – Miami, FL. I went out to dinner with some customers in South Beach. We stumbled upon a bar where a Rod Stewart impersonator was performing. I asked him if where the rest of the Rolling Stones were? The bouncer politely escorted me away from the stage. I am still looking for the rest of the Stones.
August 23rd, 2010 – Minneapolis, MN – I ate dinner at a sushi place in the Mall of America. It was called Tiger Sushi. The meat was tough and tasted a little gamey. I knew something was wrong. I thought tigers were an endangered species. I need some help here.
August 24th, 2010 – Minneapolis, MN Corporate Office. We played league softball with the Company team after work. I was warned by the umpire for drinking beer in the dugout during the game. How was I to know that players could only drink beer in stands during the game, not in the dugout. Silly local rules.
August 25th, 2010 – Minneapolis, MN. I returned the rental car to the airport. The attendant accused me of causing a scratch on the left front fender of the car. I blamed it on one of my co-workers who I had borrowed the car from the day before. We got him on the phone. He denied knowing me. I was escorted to the manager’s office for further processing. The charges were: driving a car I did not rent, attempting to blame an innocent party, and declining the extra insurance. I am no longer supposed to rent cars from Avis. I guess my name is now on “some list”.
September 2nd, 2010 – Dallas, TX. I attempted to do the “green” thing and rent a Toyota Prius. I made it to my first destination and then could not get the car to start. A Prius does not start like a normal car. So, there I am sitting in my car in 95 degree heat. I searched for the owner’s manual. None found. I called Hertz reservations, no help. I called the Hertz emergency number. They sent another car and a driver to get me. The driver happened to be the manager. The car promptly started for him. I guess there is some odd sequence of foot on the brake, push the button, put car in gear, wait, rinse and repeat to make the thing run. The manager was not happy. He asked me if I had ever had my name put on a “rental car list”.
September 15th, 2010 – Buffalo, NY. I flew to Buffalo and decided to drive the hour and a half to get to Toronto, Canada. The fares are much cheaper if you do it that way. I now rent from National Rental Car. I got my rental car and headed for the border. The Canadian crossing guard asked me if I had anything “declare”. I told him that I was an idiot. He did not think that was funny and set me aside for further processing.
October 10th, 2010 – Orlando, FL. I picked up my work associates in the rental car. They let me drive. Orlando has a lot of toll roads. I have a habit of failing to read road signs and therefore always seem to be in the wrong lane. I was in the wrong lane for the toll booth 3 times on the way from the airport. That meant that I paid no tolls. I guess I will find out if those little cameras really work.
October 11th, 2011 – Orlando, FL. I was in Orlando to attend the Hilton Hotel Franchisee TradeShow. These folks own hotels. The vast majority of them are from India and have the last name of Patel. There were lots of them with names like, Joe, Mitch, Sam, Dave, and the like. I asked one of them why everyone was named Patel. He said that the Patel’s in India were the keeper’s of property and royal goods. I thought he was making that up. I checked it out. He was right.
November 1st, 2010 – Philadelphia, PA. I ran in to Debra, a High School Classmate of mine, on the flight to Philadelphia. She was also headed to downtown Philadelphia so we shared the cab ride. We caught up on old friends and promised to stay in touch on facebook. She paid for the cab. I discretely got an extra copy of the receipt for my expenses.
November 3rd, 2010 – Atlanta, GA. I attended the Southeast Biomass Trade Show. The smell was not nearly as bad as I expected. The show was centered on the use of wood or vegetation that can be burned as a source of fuel as an alternative to coal or oil. I was relieved and will live to blog another day.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Sh*t My Dad Says
Over Labor Day weekend Lovie and I visited a friend who lives in Dallas, TX. We had a great time playing golf and hanging out at his backyard pool. While there he introduced me to a book he was reading. It was called Sh*t My Dad Says. For the record, this is a New York Time Best Seller. It is obvious that he and I were not the only ones reading this book.
The book came about from a series of Twitter posts. The story goes that the author of the book was forced to move back home after graduating from college. He could not find a job in today’s economic environment and came crawling back home to live with his parents. The origins of the book began when he started making Twitter posts about the things his Dad said about the course of everyday events. Each day he would make a post and in no time he developed over 1 million followers. He took his following and signed a book deal. If you read it, there is no doubt that the Dad in the book is quite a character.
Over the last year I have chronicled some of my favorite sayings and even taken the time to write them down. I thought it would be appropriate to save my kids the trouble of daily Twitter posts and publish my list. If you have been around me for any period of time you have probably heard me make a few of these statements. Some I have stolen from famous people, others have come from my friends or my kids, and some are just a collection of my own random thoughts. Hopefully a few of these will strike a chord with you and inspire you to laugh. If they day do, feel free to use them in your lives. I will close with one of my favorites, “Stay Hot”, and enjoy.
My Favorite Sayings in No Particular Order
1. You can lead a horse to water but that does not make him a duck.
2. It takes a smart man to know he is dumb.
3. You can’t accomplish anything on an empty stomach.
4. People eliminate themselves from success.
5. I would rather be good than lucky.
6. Weight control is like a full time job.
7. Every new beginning is some other beginnings end.
8. I may be incompetent but I am not grossly incompetent.
9. You are as happy in life as you want to be.
10. A camp fire is like outdoor TV.
11. It only takes two good shots per hole to be a great golfer.
12. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
13. I was doing some thinking and drinking and….
14. I have a couple of different watches.
15. You better move out now while you know everything.
16. The harder you work the luckier you get.
17. Don’t be afraid to succeed.
18. Success is about showing up.
19. It is a watch collection not an obsession.
20. My body does not give up weight easily.
21. It is easy to be a social liberal when you don’t have to write the check.
22. Do these jeans make my butt look big?
23. Sleep is overrated.
24. If you look in your car’s rear view mirror you can see backwards.
25. Rub some dirt on it and get back in there.
26. I have not peaked yet.
27. Learn to know the difference between what is urgent and what is important.
28. If anyone wrote a book about your life would anyone read it?
29. Don’t become a role player in someone else’s Soap Opera.
30. There is nothing great about being the tallest dwarf in the circus.
31. I am immature beyond my years.
32. I am amphibious, and not only that I can live in or out of water.
33. That thing went up like a rocket.
34. The best people over deliver and under promise.
35. People will meet the expectations you set for them.
36. A word is like a thousand pictures.
37. People don’t plan to fail they fail to plan.
38. In marriage - Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy.
39. The best rules for life are the ones you learned in kindergarten.
40. We are all just passing through.
41. I told you I was sick.
42. We are all weird in our own special way.
43. I am not happy until you are not happy.
44. Don’t worry that we can buff that out.
45. Men & Women can’t be “just friends”.
46. You have to know the competition better than you know yourself.
47. Do you know that or are you just saying it.
48. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
49. Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing.
50. Beer is God’s way of wanting us to be happy.
51. Get above your comfort level.
52. You don’t want to see this face without makeup.
53. We are not building a Swiss watch here.
54. Never date a guy that smells better or looks better than you do.
55. Become a strategic “doer”.
56. Find time to do it right the first time not time to do it over.
57. This is the happiest day of my life.
58. I want to be thrown clear in the event of an accident.
59. We can fix it – I have an awesome set of tools.
60. If you want get to where you have never been you have to do things you have never done.
61. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
62. Nothing worth having ever comes easy.
63. Bread is the food of the devil.
64. Tell your life story with decisions you make every day.
65. Think “yes” before you think “no”.
66. It is easy to talk yourself out of doing something difficult.
67. Sometimes the best decision is no decision.
68. Can you kill someone with your thumb?
69. Risk comes from not knowing what you are doing.
70. One of us is not as dumb as all of us.
71. I hate to lose more than I like to win.
72. If you are going to make an omelet you have to own a few chickens.
73. Only “date” someone that is way in to you.
74. Are you going to finish that?
75. Never turn down money or a free meal.
76. You only have one chance to make a first impression.
77. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.
78. We’ve gotta have that play out of you.
79. If it were 10 degrees hotter it would be perfect.
80. Step up and get your name in the paper.
81. You can get a tattoo if your Grandmother approves.
82. The ultimate sign of maturity is the willingness to sacrifice for the future.
83. It’s hard to keep a good dog off you leg.
84. Things to be proud of often involve high risk.
85. Never buy anything from someone that is out of breath.
86. I am glad I did not peak in high school.
87. Life is an open book – use it.
88. Life's tough...... it's even tougher if you're stupid.
89. My definition of old is someone that is 15 years older than me.
90. Everybody is worth something.
91. Sooner or later I will be right.
92. Not all who wander are lost
93. It could be that I am part of the problem.
94. I think I am lost but am making great time.
95. Bad decisions make for great stories.
96. How many wrong turns will a man make before asking for directions
97. In the long run we are all dead.
98. It is time for me to slip into something comfortable.
99. Stay Hot
100. Good Talk
The book came about from a series of Twitter posts. The story goes that the author of the book was forced to move back home after graduating from college. He could not find a job in today’s economic environment and came crawling back home to live with his parents. The origins of the book began when he started making Twitter posts about the things his Dad said about the course of everyday events. Each day he would make a post and in no time he developed over 1 million followers. He took his following and signed a book deal. If you read it, there is no doubt that the Dad in the book is quite a character.
Over the last year I have chronicled some of my favorite sayings and even taken the time to write them down. I thought it would be appropriate to save my kids the trouble of daily Twitter posts and publish my list. If you have been around me for any period of time you have probably heard me make a few of these statements. Some I have stolen from famous people, others have come from my friends or my kids, and some are just a collection of my own random thoughts. Hopefully a few of these will strike a chord with you and inspire you to laugh. If they day do, feel free to use them in your lives. I will close with one of my favorites, “Stay Hot”, and enjoy.
My Favorite Sayings in No Particular Order
1. You can lead a horse to water but that does not make him a duck.
2. It takes a smart man to know he is dumb.
3. You can’t accomplish anything on an empty stomach.
4. People eliminate themselves from success.
5. I would rather be good than lucky.
6. Weight control is like a full time job.
7. Every new beginning is some other beginnings end.
8. I may be incompetent but I am not grossly incompetent.
9. You are as happy in life as you want to be.
10. A camp fire is like outdoor TV.
11. It only takes two good shots per hole to be a great golfer.
12. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
13. I was doing some thinking and drinking and….
14. I have a couple of different watches.
15. You better move out now while you know everything.
16. The harder you work the luckier you get.
17. Don’t be afraid to succeed.
18. Success is about showing up.
19. It is a watch collection not an obsession.
20. My body does not give up weight easily.
21. It is easy to be a social liberal when you don’t have to write the check.
22. Do these jeans make my butt look big?
23. Sleep is overrated.
24. If you look in your car’s rear view mirror you can see backwards.
25. Rub some dirt on it and get back in there.
26. I have not peaked yet.
27. Learn to know the difference between what is urgent and what is important.
28. If anyone wrote a book about your life would anyone read it?
29. Don’t become a role player in someone else’s Soap Opera.
30. There is nothing great about being the tallest dwarf in the circus.
31. I am immature beyond my years.
32. I am amphibious, and not only that I can live in or out of water.
33. That thing went up like a rocket.
34. The best people over deliver and under promise.
35. People will meet the expectations you set for them.
36. A word is like a thousand pictures.
37. People don’t plan to fail they fail to plan.
38. In marriage - Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy.
39. The best rules for life are the ones you learned in kindergarten.
40. We are all just passing through.
41. I told you I was sick.
42. We are all weird in our own special way.
43. I am not happy until you are not happy.
44. Don’t worry that we can buff that out.
45. Men & Women can’t be “just friends”.
46. You have to know the competition better than you know yourself.
47. Do you know that or are you just saying it.
48. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
49. Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing.
50. Beer is God’s way of wanting us to be happy.
51. Get above your comfort level.
52. You don’t want to see this face without makeup.
53. We are not building a Swiss watch here.
54. Never date a guy that smells better or looks better than you do.
55. Become a strategic “doer”.
56. Find time to do it right the first time not time to do it over.
57. This is the happiest day of my life.
58. I want to be thrown clear in the event of an accident.
59. We can fix it – I have an awesome set of tools.
60. If you want get to where you have never been you have to do things you have never done.
61. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
62. Nothing worth having ever comes easy.
63. Bread is the food of the devil.
64. Tell your life story with decisions you make every day.
65. Think “yes” before you think “no”.
66. It is easy to talk yourself out of doing something difficult.
67. Sometimes the best decision is no decision.
68. Can you kill someone with your thumb?
69. Risk comes from not knowing what you are doing.
70. One of us is not as dumb as all of us.
71. I hate to lose more than I like to win.
72. If you are going to make an omelet you have to own a few chickens.
73. Only “date” someone that is way in to you.
74. Are you going to finish that?
75. Never turn down money or a free meal.
76. You only have one chance to make a first impression.
77. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.
78. We’ve gotta have that play out of you.
79. If it were 10 degrees hotter it would be perfect.
80. Step up and get your name in the paper.
81. You can get a tattoo if your Grandmother approves.
82. The ultimate sign of maturity is the willingness to sacrifice for the future.
83. It’s hard to keep a good dog off you leg.
84. Things to be proud of often involve high risk.
85. Never buy anything from someone that is out of breath.
86. I am glad I did not peak in high school.
87. Life is an open book – use it.
88. Life's tough...... it's even tougher if you're stupid.
89. My definition of old is someone that is 15 years older than me.
90. Everybody is worth something.
91. Sooner or later I will be right.
92. Not all who wander are lost
93. It could be that I am part of the problem.
94. I think I am lost but am making great time.
95. Bad decisions make for great stories.
96. How many wrong turns will a man make before asking for directions
97. In the long run we are all dead.
98. It is time for me to slip into something comfortable.
99. Stay Hot
100. Good Talk
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Discovery of a Classic
Before I reveal too much about my find I will need to provide you with some of the events leading up to the discovery.
The day was Saturday July 31, 2010. Exactly 4 days after my 47th birthday. For my birthday gift my daughter invited me to the brewery tour of an Atlanta area microbrewery called the Sweetwater Brewery. Everyone that goes on a brewery tour knows that the best part of the tour centers on the sample room. In the case of the Sweetwater Brewery the sample room is really nothing more than a bar with limited drinking hours. They have a band, an outdoor patio, and for $8 a person you get a beer glass and opportunity to have it filled 6 times before you depart. It is a very good deal. The only catch is that the tours start at 2:30pm and end at 4:30pm. This short time frame is intended to limit the alcohol consumption of the patrons. It doesn’t. What is does do is force the beer drinking public to consume their 6 sample beers in a 2 hour time frame. Since it was my birthday, and since Lovie does not drink beer, I received a few extra samples and was forced to consume them in the allotted timeframe. I had a good time.
After the brewery tour the plan was to head to one of my daughters favorite Tapas dining restaurants in the Virginia Highlands section of Atlanta. Virginia Highlands is the section of Atlanta where every single person in their twenties should strive to live. It is an area of older craftsman style homes that were built in the 1920’s and 1930”s. Today it is populated with artists, musicians, hippies, and just plain old regular people. The downtown area of “The Highlands” is filled with shops, trendy restaurants, bars, and maybe one or two tattoo parlors. On this night the food was great, the company was even better, and the beer was cold.
Following dinner, and sort of on a whim, I decided that we were going to hang out for a few more hours with my daughter and her pals. We were headed to the home of one her friends that lived in the area. As it turns out, it was also time to celebrate his birthday. Being that we were showing up on short notice I quickly realized that I was ill prepared to attend the birthday party of my soon to be new friend. I panicked and swung in to action in search of an appropriate gift. As luck would have it, we arrived at his house and parked on the street next to what many would perceive to be a pile of junk. A quick study revealed that this was no ordinary pile of junk. One of the neighbors was throwing out some belongings and had piled them on the curb for pick up.
Seizing the opportunity to pick through one man’s junk I quickly found the perfect gift. As soon as I was about to claim my prize the neighbor appeared at his door. Many in my party panicked. I have been known to talk to anyone and politely asked the owner about his intentions for the pile of goods at the curb. As expected, he indicated that it was “free for the taking”. And taking I was as I needed a birthday gift. Buried deep in the pile was a portrait. From some reason this painting spoke to me. Not really as I don’t hear voices. But I saw something in the portrait that needed to come out. A story that needed to be told. About that time the now former owner of this artwork meandered to the curb. He said, “I see you have found the painting”. “My wife hates that thing”. “Please take it”, were his words.
I could tell by his words that the story was about to be told. As it turns out, the portrait was painted by a family friend. He was mental patient. An institutionalized mental patient. A full blown schizophrenic. This guy saw voices and heard colors. The man at the curb speculated that the portrait may have been a self portrait by the artist. Based on these details I knew I had stumbled upon the perfect gift. I collected my prize and proceeded to the birthday party.
Below the portrait.
The day was Saturday July 31, 2010. Exactly 4 days after my 47th birthday. For my birthday gift my daughter invited me to the brewery tour of an Atlanta area microbrewery called the Sweetwater Brewery. Everyone that goes on a brewery tour knows that the best part of the tour centers on the sample room. In the case of the Sweetwater Brewery the sample room is really nothing more than a bar with limited drinking hours. They have a band, an outdoor patio, and for $8 a person you get a beer glass and opportunity to have it filled 6 times before you depart. It is a very good deal. The only catch is that the tours start at 2:30pm and end at 4:30pm. This short time frame is intended to limit the alcohol consumption of the patrons. It doesn’t. What is does do is force the beer drinking public to consume their 6 sample beers in a 2 hour time frame. Since it was my birthday, and since Lovie does not drink beer, I received a few extra samples and was forced to consume them in the allotted timeframe. I had a good time.
After the brewery tour the plan was to head to one of my daughters favorite Tapas dining restaurants in the Virginia Highlands section of Atlanta. Virginia Highlands is the section of Atlanta where every single person in their twenties should strive to live. It is an area of older craftsman style homes that were built in the 1920’s and 1930”s. Today it is populated with artists, musicians, hippies, and just plain old regular people. The downtown area of “The Highlands” is filled with shops, trendy restaurants, bars, and maybe one or two tattoo parlors. On this night the food was great, the company was even better, and the beer was cold.
Following dinner, and sort of on a whim, I decided that we were going to hang out for a few more hours with my daughter and her pals. We were headed to the home of one her friends that lived in the area. As it turns out, it was also time to celebrate his birthday. Being that we were showing up on short notice I quickly realized that I was ill prepared to attend the birthday party of my soon to be new friend. I panicked and swung in to action in search of an appropriate gift. As luck would have it, we arrived at his house and parked on the street next to what many would perceive to be a pile of junk. A quick study revealed that this was no ordinary pile of junk. One of the neighbors was throwing out some belongings and had piled them on the curb for pick up.
Seizing the opportunity to pick through one man’s junk I quickly found the perfect gift. As soon as I was about to claim my prize the neighbor appeared at his door. Many in my party panicked. I have been known to talk to anyone and politely asked the owner about his intentions for the pile of goods at the curb. As expected, he indicated that it was “free for the taking”. And taking I was as I needed a birthday gift. Buried deep in the pile was a portrait. From some reason this painting spoke to me. Not really as I don’t hear voices. But I saw something in the portrait that needed to come out. A story that needed to be told. About that time the now former owner of this artwork meandered to the curb. He said, “I see you have found the painting”. “My wife hates that thing”. “Please take it”, were his words.
I could tell by his words that the story was about to be told. As it turns out, the portrait was painted by a family friend. He was mental patient. An institutionalized mental patient. A full blown schizophrenic. This guy saw voices and heard colors. The man at the curb speculated that the portrait may have been a self portrait by the artist. Based on these details I knew I had stumbled upon the perfect gift. I collected my prize and proceeded to the birthday party.
Below the portrait.
At the party it sort of took on a life of its own. Clearly, it was the hit of the party. People left disturbed, others found religion, and still others went mad. I have also shown the portrait to a few friends. Words like troubling, demonic, and satanic have been used to describe the picture. Study it if you like, comment if you want, and laugh if like to read a good story.
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