The Stick

If you know me well you know that I do not use inappropriate language. I take pride in the fact that I very rarely swear. As my mother says, “Using language like that just means that you are not smart enough to say anything else.” In the case of this blog however there is simply no other way to tell this story. I will need to use the word “ass” repeatedly. If you are offended please read no further. If you can handle it I hope you find this enjoyable. Remember that you have been warned.

I have spent the last four and a half weeks working and living in Honolulu, HI. It is part of a short term corporate assignment. For the first time in my life I am living alone and miss Lovie. It has taken some adjustment. During my second week alone I began to develop a routine. Hawaii is 6 hours behind east coast time so it takes time to adjust. I usually arise very early, around 5 am most days. I start my day by drinking a piping hot cup of coffee. The story begins here.

On this day I sat down with my coffee. I had just settled in to my comfortable chair when my phone rang. It startled me a bit causing me to spill my very hot cup of coffee. I spilled the entire cup. It was hot. As liquids do it settled to the lowest point. You could say that my ass was now in hot water. Really hot water. In fact it burned my ass. I jumped up, like someone had lit a fire under my ass. The remaining coffee went everywhere including on the chair and the nice white carpet in my condo unit. It made a big ass mess. Trying to answer the phone turned out to be one big ass mistake. As a result of the spill my ass was on fire for several days. In a few places I had a really sore ass. I had to be careful which pants I wore as some even chapped my ass. It took about 10 days before things returned to normal.

Once things began to heal I knew that I needed to get off my fat ass and get some exercise. I researched a few hiking trails and started exploring the island of Oahu. I started walking a few trails after work and on the weekends. I soon found another trail. A few of the reviews said that this trail would kick your ass. The trail ran along an abandoned incline railroad line up the side of a dormant volcano. It sounded cool so I gave this one a try. Needless to say it whipped my ass.

Earlier this week while coming down this trail from another hike I slipped on one of the cross ties that form the staircase on the trial. I did this while moving out of the way of another hiker. I fell. In fact I fell flat on my ass. Fortunately my ass has two sides and I landed on the side that was saved from the hot ass coffee. You could say that I busted my ass. The fall caused me slide about 10 feet down the steepest part of the trail. When my ass finally came to rest it was the top of small stump. The passing hiker and a few others stopped to make sure I was okay. As I gathered myself and got my ass up I realized that I was okay. No broken bones, no twisted ankles or torn up knees. I did feel a sharp pain coming from my ass. It was like someone had put a fork in my ass. In reality I had a stick up my ass. It seems that that a sharp portion of the stump had broken off and was now embedded in my ass. The stick nearly tore me a new ass hole.

After checking my ass out one of my fellow hikers informed me that the stick up my ass was going to require medical attention. I gathered my thoughts and knew that the fastest way to get treatment was to simply finish the hike. I knew I was capable of finishing so I got my ass in gear and made my way down the trail and into my car. Using my GPS while trying to avoid bumps along way to the hospital was not easy. I was driving as if I did not know my ass from a hole in the ground.

I finally made it to the emergency room. The check in process was interesting. It went something like this.

Girl at Admitting Desk - “Can I help you sir”.

Me - “Yes I need to see a Doctor”.

Girl at Admitting Desk - “Can you explain the nature of your visit”.

Me - Yes, I have a stick up my ass”.

Girl at Admitting Desk - “Giggles”.

Me - “No, seriously I have a stick up my ass”.

At this point it had been nearly an hour since I busted my ass and the pain in my ass was getting worse. The girl noticed I was uncomfortable and quickly moved me through the process. Along the way I was met by a nurse. She asked me to describe my symptoms, specifically my pain. I answered her question with this question, “So you are asking me to describe the pain in my ass”. She tried to remain professional but could not avoid laughing out loud. Word of my condition was starting to spread through emergency room. I was laughing and others were too. The next order of business was to get me into one of those hospital gowns. Of course I needed one with the open back. And there I was….in a hospital room in Hawaii bare ass naked.

After a few minutes the Doctor made his way to my exam room. After sizing up my ass he made this medical diagnosis. He said, “We are going to need to extract that foreign object from your soft tissue”. I responded and restated it this way. “You mean you are going to pull it out of my ass”. He too tried to remain professional but laughed. He then explained the procedure, first he was going to wipe my ass, then numb my ass, and then he was going to pull the stick out of my ass. A few other medical personnel were there to witness. A few came to enjoy the laughs and few to actually say they participated in pulling a stick out of some guys ass. The procedure went as planned.

There was now only one thing left to do. The doctor wanted to take a picture of my ass. I asked if he meant like, “having me sit on a copier”. He meant an x-ray. I was escorted over to the x-ray room. The technician asked me to place my ass on the exam table. I did. He then asked me to center my ass on one of the positioning grid lines on the table. I responded, “so you want me to put my ass on the line”. He too tried to remain professional. The x-ray showed nothing else was in my ass and I was cleared by the doctor to leave. By now I had made a few friends. On the way out the door the staff wished my ass well. A few even reminded me to take care of my ass. The nurse even kissed my ass good-bye.

One thing is now for sure. You can bet your ass that the next time I am drinking hot coffee or hiking down a steep trail my ass will take extra special care. I have now learned two hard ass lessons and have the scars to prove it.

A couple of notes about this blog. My ass is fine. My wound is healing nicely and will not require the services of a plastic surgeon. The stick turned out to be about the diameter of a pencil and was about and inch and a half long. I have it and am thinking about making it a pendant on a necklace for all to see.

I wrote this blog on a flight from Honolulu to Los Angeles. People say you should not laugh at your own material. I laughed so hard several times while writing this that people around me began wonder. I know they were thinking, “who is this crazy ass”. I hope you enjoyed reading it. I welcome your feedback.

The Ear Infection

Don’t get an ear infection. If you do you could end up hearing colors. Stay with me.

Lovie and I were in Aruba, I went swimming, and during the last day of our trip my ear starting hurting. After returning home I visited the local “minute clinic” thinking that they could easily solve the problem. They prescribed a cocktail of drops for the ear. Some were to be taken two times a day others three times a day. I followed the regimen for a week. It did not work. So much for my confidence in physician assistants.

Ear infections are painful and mine was no different. So after a week of dealing with it I broke down and went to the real doctor. They poked around and determined that a pressure wash of the inner ear was needed. Little did I know that their version of an “irrigation” involved the spray nozzle from a fire hose. The process got a little messy but In the end the procedure provided instant relief of the pressure and pain. To be sure and get the infection the doctor also prescribed an oral antibiotic. That means take a pill.

I left the doctor’s office and rushed to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. Rather than wait I to have it filled I opted to have Lovie pick it up later in the day. A few hours later Lovie picked up the prescription and left the bottle on the kitchen counter. Later that evening, right before bedtime, I opened the bottle and swallowed my first dose. I went upstairs and was ready for a good night of pain free sleep. So far, so good.

After about thirty minutes of trying to go to sleep I realized I was not sleepy. In fact I was not sleepy at all. I was wide awake. I was so awake it felt like morning. It was midnight. I tossed and turned for a few minutes. A few minutes turned in to 30 minutes, which turned in to an hour. It was now 1:00 am. I was wide awake.

I thought about reading a book. I thought about counting backwards to clear my mind. I thought about a lot of things. My mind was now racing. Time was flying and so was I. It was 2:00 am. I was wide awake. I tried counting backwards from 100 to 0. I did that about 10 times. I tried the same but counted by 2’s, by 3’s, and by 4’s. I started at 500 hundred instead of 100. My backward counts were flawless. I could see the numbers coming in perfect sequential order like reading the road signs in a speeding car. But I was laying in bed. It was 3:00am and my mind was changing channels like a teenager changes radio stations. I was starting to sweat. My heart was pounding.

I decided to change beds. I moved to the guest bed room thinking a change might provide the catalyst for my entry into dreamland. It was now 4:00 am. My mind was racing but my body was in the lead. I had always heard that phrase in the lyrics of the song,” Double Vision by Foreigner”, but did not know what they meant. I pondered that for a while. I still don’t know what that means. The channel in my changed. I started to hear colors. Colors have some interesting sounds, especially chartreuse. I know I was there. I was frustrated and a little scared. I needed some sleep. It was now 4:30 am. I was wide awake.

I usually don’t have too much trouble going to sleep and knew something was wrong. I had never felt like this. It only took me 6 hours to realize this. What was wrong I thought, what had changed? It was 4:45 am. I was wide awake. I had a moment. Was it was the antibiotic I had taken before bed? I rushed downstairs, examined the prescription bottle, and read the label. It said Aderall XR. Aderall XR, it was supposed to say Amoxicillin I thought? Did pharmacist mess up? I checked the name.

They had the last name right. The first name was Michael. Michael is my son. He takes Aderall XR for his ADD to help him focus during his college classes. And now his Dad also takes it to treat ear infections. You got it, I took one 6 hours earlier. In the bag next to it on the counter was a prescription for Amoxicillin. Amoxicillin is prescribed to people named Alan Squires with ear infections. I am a confirmed idiot.

For people that have ADD it works to help focus the mind. For people who don’t it freaks them out. It was now 5:00 am. I had been freaked out for 6 hours. Once I figured things out it did provide me with a sense of relief. I laid down and tried to sleep. I actually slept for about an hour and a half. At 6:30 am I awoke. I was wide awake. I was tired of being in bed. I went to the internet to do some drug research. You see Aderall XR is the extended release version. It lasts for 24 hours. I had 18 hours to go. I played golf that day but don’t remember anything about the first 3 holes I played. One thing I do know is that I was wide awake.

The effects started to wear off later in the day and by early evening I was back to normal. It was an 18 hour trip. I have learned two things. Ear infections can help you count backwards and also make you hear colors. I know I was there.