Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Stick

If you know me well you know that I do not use inappropriate language. I take pride in the fact that I very rarely swear. As my mother says, “Using language like that just means that you are not smart enough to say anything else.” In the case of this blog however there is simply no other way to tell this story. I will need to use the word “ass” repeatedly. If you are offended please read no further. If you can handle it I hope you find this enjoyable. Remember that you have been warned.

I have spent the last four and a half weeks working and living in Honolulu, HI. It is part of a short term corporate assignment. For the first time in my life I am living alone and miss Lovie. It has taken some adjustment. During my second week alone I began to develop a routine. Hawaii is 6 hours behind east coast time so it takes time to adjust. I usually arise very early, around 5 am most days. I start my day by drinking a piping hot cup of coffee. The story begins here.

On this day I sat down with my coffee. I had just settled in to my comfortable chair when my phone rang. It startled me a bit causing me to spill my very hot cup of coffee. I spilled the entire cup. It was hot. As liquids do it settled to the lowest point. You could say that my ass was now in hot water. Really hot water. In fact it burned my ass. I jumped up, like someone had lit a fire under my ass. The remaining coffee went everywhere including on the chair and the nice white carpet in my condo unit. It made a big ass mess. Trying to answer the phone turned out to be one big ass mistake. As a result of the spill my ass was on fire for several days. In a few places I had a really sore ass. I had to be careful which pants I wore as some even chapped my ass. It took about 10 days before things returned to normal.

Once things began to heal I knew that I needed to get off my fat ass and get some exercise. I researched a few hiking trails and started exploring the island of Oahu. I started walking a few trails after work and on the weekends. I soon found another trail. A few of the reviews said that this trail would kick your ass. The trail ran along an abandoned incline railroad line up the side of a dormant volcano. It sounded cool so I gave this one a try. Needless to say it whipped my ass.

Earlier this week while coming down this trail from another hike I slipped on one of the cross ties that form the staircase on the trial. I did this while moving out of the way of another hiker. I fell. In fact I fell flat on my ass. Fortunately my ass has two sides and I landed on the side that was saved from the hot ass coffee. You could say that I busted my ass. The fall caused me slide about 10 feet down the steepest part of the trail. When my ass finally came to rest it was the top of small stump. The passing hiker and a few others stopped to make sure I was okay. As I gathered myself and got my ass up I realized that I was okay. No broken bones, no twisted ankles or torn up knees. I did feel a sharp pain coming from my ass. It was like someone had put a fork in my ass. In reality I had a stick up my ass. It seems that that a sharp portion of the stump had broken off and was now embedded in my ass. The stick nearly tore me a new ass hole.

After checking my ass out one of my fellow hikers informed me that the stick up my ass was going to require medical attention. I gathered my thoughts and knew that the fastest way to get treatment was to simply finish the hike. I knew I was capable of finishing so I got my ass in gear and made my way down the trail and into my car. Using my GPS while trying to avoid bumps along way to the hospital was not easy. I was driving as if I did not know my ass from a hole in the ground.

I finally made it to the emergency room. The check in process was interesting. It went something like this.

Girl at Admitting Desk - “Can I help you sir”.

Me - “Yes I need to see a Doctor”.

Girl at Admitting Desk - “Can you explain the nature of your visit”.

Me - Yes, I have a stick up my ass”.

Girl at Admitting Desk - “Giggles”.

Me - “No, seriously I have a stick up my ass”.

At this point it had been nearly an hour since I busted my ass and the pain in my ass was getting worse. The girl noticed I was uncomfortable and quickly moved me through the process. Along the way I was met by a nurse. She asked me to describe my symptoms, specifically my pain. I answered her question with this question, “So you are asking me to describe the pain in my ass”. She tried to remain professional but could not avoid laughing out loud. Word of my condition was starting to spread through emergency room. I was laughing and others were too. The next order of business was to get me into one of those hospital gowns. Of course I needed one with the open back. And there I was….in a hospital room in Hawaii bare ass naked.

After a few minutes the Doctor made his way to my exam room. After sizing up my ass he made this medical diagnosis. He said, “We are going to need to extract that foreign object from your soft tissue”. I responded and restated it this way. “You mean you are going to pull it out of my ass”. He too tried to remain professional but laughed. He then explained the procedure, first he was going to wipe my ass, then numb my ass, and then he was going to pull the stick out of my ass. A few other medical personnel were there to witness. A few came to enjoy the laughs and few to actually say they participated in pulling a stick out of some guys ass. The procedure went as planned.

There was now only one thing left to do. The doctor wanted to take a picture of my ass. I asked if he meant like, “having me sit on a copier”. He meant an x-ray. I was escorted over to the x-ray room. The technician asked me to place my ass on the exam table. I did. He then asked me to center my ass on one of the positioning grid lines on the table. I responded, “so you want me to put my ass on the line”. He too tried to remain professional. The x-ray showed nothing else was in my ass and I was cleared by the doctor to leave. By now I had made a few friends. On the way out the door the staff wished my ass well. A few even reminded me to take care of my ass. The nurse even kissed my ass good-bye.

One thing is now for sure. You can bet your ass that the next time I am drinking hot coffee or hiking down a steep trail my ass will take extra special care. I have now learned two hard ass lessons and have the scars to prove it.

A couple of notes about this blog. My ass is fine. My wound is healing nicely and will not require the services of a plastic surgeon. The stick turned out to be about the diameter of a pencil and was about and inch and a half long. I have it and am thinking about making it a pendant on a necklace for all to see.

I wrote this blog on a flight from Honolulu to Los Angeles. People say you should not laugh at your own material. I laughed so hard several times while writing this that people around me began wonder. I know they were thinking, “who is this crazy ass”. I hope you enjoyed reading it. I welcome your feedback.

1 comment:

  1. Great read Alan. But I have one question: has your ass gone snorkeling yet?

    ReplyDelete